You Can't

 Fast forward a couple of years, and I'm living in Brownstone Apartments.

Now let me tell you, these apartments are for me the Waters of Mormon. I learned so many things while living there, made incredible friends, built enduring relationships, experienced a lot of firsts, etc. And I drew nearer to the Savior.

This lesson was a gradual one, that I honestly can't remember the origin of, but I remember the moment it hit me. I was sitting in a Relief Society lesson (for those who don't know, it's like a church class specifically for women). The sisters were sharing some of the same similar stuff that I had heard and felt before about how life is hard, but God won't give us more than we can handle.

I think at the time I had been experiencing some tough things myself and growing frustrated at my inability to do everything I felt I should. As they were talking, I remember a sister saying,

"Satan will try to tell us we can't do it. That we can't do anything right, but we can!"

And I was like, wait. Satan's right. But not in the way he wants to be right. We literally can't do everything, or really anything, without the aid of the Savior. In Mosiah chapter 2, verse 21, he says that God "is preserving [us] from day to day, by lending [us] breath...even supporting you from one moment to another." Breath. Life. In all seriousness, God is the reason we are even alive. Without Him, there is no us. 

My hand shot up. Whoever was teaching called on me.

"Honestly, though, we can't," I stated boldly. Everyone stared at me. Was I preaching Satan's words? I couldn't help but smile at the realization as I continued, "Without the Savior, we literally can't do anything. He grants us daily breath. He preserves us. He guides us. But with Him, we can do everything. All things are possible."

What a significant difference, and what a relief it was for me to voice that. After feeling overwhelmed and discouraged by everywhere I was falling short, and my inability to keep up, I felt like acknowledging that was shedding a burden. I can't do it all. I'll never be able to do it all. But that's okay. Our Heavenly Parents don't expect us to. That's why they provided a Savior for us. 

So, next time you are feeling overwhelmed or like you can't do something, let it go. Acknowledge you can't do it, and that's okay. Then, turn to the Savior, and trust that with Him, you will accomplish all you need to :).

#youcan't #whyweneedaSavior #ReliefSociety #BookofMormon #Mosiah #KingBenjamin

"And ye are still indebted..." Mosiah 2:24

     I'm going to skip ahead a few years to the time of my life where most of my life learning occurred--College. I suppose it makes sense; it was, after all, my first time off on my own learning how to be independent.

    To be clear, pretty much everyone in my immediate family is FIERCELY independent. We don't like to be told what to do, we like to do our own thing on our own time, and we like to prove that we can do it on our own. Partially, I think, it's because we don't like to burden others, but also we love our freedom and prize it highly.

    Some people might admire that independence, and, truthfully, I appreciate it as one of my characteristics. However, there was a time when I had to learn that it's okay to accept help and support. I had to learn humility, and, that sometimes, it shows gratitude to those who offer help when we accept it.

    This lesson came through the life of my grandmother. From the minute I came out to college, she was there to assist. She helped me get through my social anxiety and get the key to my dorm. She got me dishes and helped me set up my apartment (at the time my dad was being deployed to Afghanistan so my parents were preoccupied. Also, they lived in another state which made getting their help difficult).

    Whenever I got sick, my grandma would take me to the doctor. If she noticed my clothes were old or worn, she would take me to buy new ones. She often offered to buy me food, more clothes, bedding, etc. If I didn't feel a need, I often refused. I already felt I owed her so much for all the support she had given me through the years--for letting us stay at her house between moves, for letting us come up on weekends, and for feeding us Sunday dinners.

    I didn't want to be any more indebted to her.

    This feeling of always needing to repay the kindness I received filtered into other aspects of my life, even the Spiritual side of things. I never thought too much about being indebted to God and to Christ. It was a given. But I probably didn't like the verses of the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 2:19-24* very much. They feel a bit like a guilt trip. As if King Benjamin were saying, "Are you grateful enough? Because you can never be grateful enough. God gives you everything. You'll always owe him."

    Then one day, as I was reading these verses (see below) my perspective began to shift as I saw my grandmother in them. I realized that, much like with God, she had done so much for me, that I could never repay her. And that was okay. God wasn't expecting us to repay Him--at least not in the literal sense. We never could. Instead, He just asked us to live as He did. To live our gratitude by serving Him and loving Him (also because He knew it was for our good, but more on that later). I realized with my grandmother, I could do the same. That instead of rejecting the help, assistance, or just generosity, I could accept and then live in a way that would make her happy. Not because she expected it, but because I loved her enough to live that way. Because I wanted to show her in the best way how that I was grateful for all she had done.

    This might sound like another form of debt repayment, but really it was a shift in attitude. I saw it more as just accepting what she offered and then living and showing my gratitude.

    And this carried over into that other independent streaks in my life. When friends offered me their leftovers, I gratefully accepted them. If a friend offered to pay for me, I graciously let them.

    Honestly, it probably made me a lot more willing to pay that kind of goodness forward.

    To sum it up, it takes humility to accept help, assistance, and sometimes even basic kindness for others, but when we do, it generally makes those who offer it feel loved and validated. It allows us to show our gratitude for them. 

    I think this works with our Heavenly Father. Yes, we are always going to be in his debt and the debt of our Savior for the price they paid for us. But that isn't a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. They offered it for us because They love us. They know what potential we can become, and they want to guide us there. Instead of rejecting their love and the sacrifice of the Savior--trying to do it all on our own--we can accept His help and live in a way that shows our love and gratitude for Him, for "all the he requires of [us] is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land..." He knows we won't live up to everything perfectly, and that's okay. We are meant to rely on the Savior. To be interdependent as my sister once taught me. He wants to help us. Because He loves us.

*Full reference:

19 And behold also, if I, whom ye cal your king, who has spent his days in your service, and yet has been in the service of your God, do merit any thanks from you, O how you ought to thank your heavenly king!

20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another--

21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another--I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls, yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

22 And behold, all the he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.

23 And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him.

24 And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?

Mosiah 2:19-24

The Book of Mormon

Another Testament of Jesus Christ

#BookofMormon #IndebtedtoGod #AnotherTestamentofJesusChrist #Gratitude

"Fear Not, I am With Thee" Isaiah 41:10

Most of the lessons I post on this blog will come from the crash course years of my life between 2012-2020, however, I wanted to start with one that had a huge impact on me as a young teenager and continues to shape my faith.

I grew up with a dad in the military, so we moved around a ton. My favorite place was South Carolina. I loved the people there. I made a lot of friends. We had parties and get-togethers--all kinds of social events. We had cousins nearby which made it even better. I also call the three years we spent there my growing up years--7-9th grade.

So, imagine my distress when my dad announced we were moving to Leavenworth, KS. What to me sounded like the middle of nowhere. I had to leave my friends, my school, my current crush--you get the picture. I was pretty mad about it.

I was also scared. It had been at least three years since I'd had to learn to make friends, and I was a teenager now, which made the task all the more daunting (I know now social anxiety was a contributing factor to the terror I was feeling at starting over).

But what could I do? Nothing. So, I followed my family and we headed to Leavenworth, KS.

We moved in the middle of the summer, which is often when Youth Conferences for our church are happening. This is where all the youth get together with their leaders and stay at people's houses while they attend classes and workshops.

My parents thought it would be a great opportunity for me to meet people and make new friends. They signed me up. Again, I was terrified. The idea of having what basically was a giant sleepover which a bunch of girls I didn't know sounded like a nightmare. I cried. I complained, but my parents insisted.

I remember being angry about it as I walked into the church building on Sunday. In front of the chapel was a giant poster all about the upcoming conference. At the top of the poster was the conferences theme:

"Fear Not I am With Thee," from the scripture in Isaiah 41:10. I felt suddenly humbled, and instead of being angry, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to be with me. To help me through it. To help me make friends. I felt peace as I trusted in the words of that scripture.

I went to the conference. I spent the night with three random girls. God gave me courage and confidence to talk with them normally. I did things out of my comfort zone. It worked. Those girls became some of my best friends. Throughout the year we lived there, we did lots together.

That experience strengthened my understanding of God as a loving Father in Heaven, and of the power of the Savior walking with us. To this day, that is one of my favorite scriptures because I KNOW that God does not leave us alone. Even when we think we are walking alone, the Savior is there.* He gives us the strength we need to make it through whatever trials and challenges we face. He upholds us.

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am they God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold the with the right hand of my righteousness." --Isaiah 41:10 (King James Version)

 *more on this lesson later, as later in my life during an especially difficult time, it was much harder to feel Him there

Welcome!

Hey Everyone!

Or No One. Lol. I have no idea if anyone will ever read this blog😂 It may be more for me than anyone else, but lately life's been feeling crazy, and it's made me reflect on the life lessons I've learned. I figured, what the heck, why not? Maybe the things I've learned can help other people going through it.

Several years ago, the guy I was dating used to tease me that I was a "Kat-astrophe" (obviously a play on my first name). Though he was teasing, it never quite left me, and, honestly, I kind of liked it. I felt like it was kind of accurate to how I felt my life went--often of my own making.

Ever since I can remember I've struggled with OCD. I didn't know that's what it was until I got to high school. My junior year I took a semester of psychology, and in that class we watched a video about OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). The lady in the video talked about how she felt like she was always sinning and had a constant need to pray. It sometimes even disrupted her daily life. I remember staring at that video and thinking, "That's me." When I was younger, I'd literally stop what I was doing, close my eyes, and pray--even in the middle of conversations. My siblings were always like, "What are you doing? Praying again!?!" I'd try to hide it sometimes, but the compulsion to end the prayer properly made me often say "Amen" aloud, or at least grunt it out.

Sound crazy? Yeah, a lot of people think OCD is about picture straightening and germs, but those are only two of the multitude of possible manifestations of OCD.

At any rate, I decided that it wasn't that big of a deal with me, and, that since I could function like a normal human it was fine. I didn't need to address it. So, I kind of forgot about my self-diagnosis and moved on with life.

But it wasn't gone just because I ignored it. No, it did affect my life. It made me do weird things. Sometimes it danced with my anxiety and together they created a whirlwind effect where I no longer knew what I really thought or how I really felt. I made decisions driven by the fear these two intertwined challenges caused. And sometimes, those decisions made my life feel like a mess. A catastrophe.

So, when my boyfriend called me that, I embraced it.

I'm a lot more aware, now (mostly thanks to my sister who became very vocal about her struggles with OCD). I can generally tell when anxiety and OCD are the culprits to my feeling and thinking that my life is a disaster, but it doesn't make it easy. And, no, before you ask, I haven't yet seen a therapist. It's still on the list of things I should probably do, but, to be honest, my social anxiety at seeing a therapist and telling them all my problems scares me more than the idea of dealing with it so...🤷‍♀

At any rate, through the struggles of these mental health challenges and then just facing the unavoidable but normal challenges life brings, I've learned a lot about myself, about God, about Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer, and about the strength He gives to make it through this crazy world and daily life.

So, take it with a grain of salt. Or let it reach you. Whatever works for me, won't always work for you, but hopefully, something, somewhere in one of these stories resonates with you in a way that can help you through whatever challenges or catastrophes you might be facing in your personal journey.

Here's to the lessons I've learned while livin' my Kat-astrophic lyfe!