So. I decided to stop doing them in order and just post the stories and lessons I learned during this time as they come up. This story came up while I was talking to my mom about the difficulty in discerning a manipulative relationship, and, sometimes, it takes a Helping Hand from above to recognize.
After a wild break down from a break up, I moved back home to Kansas (lots of lessons and stories with that later). Here I met a guy. We'll call him "M." In fact, the missionaries introduced him to me (I was the Relief Society president at the time of my little Young Single Adult group). They told me he was recently baptized in Arizona and had just been stationed at Ft. Riley, KS.
When I met him, he was gung-ho about the gospel and about Jesus. I remember him carrying around his scripture case with the letters "CTR" (Choose The Right) embroidered on it. He was friendly and funny. We got along almost immediately.
And, this might be weird, but I was physically drawn to him. I think it was mutual. We started hanging out. We went on a few dates. Then, slowly, he got pulled into the culture of the military. He started going out to bars with them and drinking (which is against the council of the church we both belong to). He would feel guilty and disappear for a while.
I cared about him beyond just being attracted to him and having fun. I saw the goodness in him. And I was starting to see what drinking did to him.
The first time I had no idea, and was just panicked because no one could get a hold of him. Finally, we found out he'd been in a bar fight. That was my first clue. He apologized and told me he was embarrassed, and I told him it didn't matter, Jesus loved him anyway, and to come to church. He did. But then it became a pattern. He would go out and drink himself crazy. Then he would call me and confess his love for me. Then, when he was sober the next morning, he'd call me and apologize and say it wasn't true. He just "loved me like Jesus."
He started flirting with other girls in the congregation. I got jealous. At one point over the summer, when I was debating dating him, I went out to Utah and reconnected with my ex (the break up that destroyed me but we both felt it was right), and realized that, if God had told me know to this great guy, why was I trying to push a relationship with someone who was obviously struggling with a lot of things and would be an obviously unhealthy relationship. I went back and told M I couldn't do it. He guessed that I still had feelings for my ex. I admitted that was true. But in my heart of hearts I knew it was more than that.
So as he flirted with other girls, I tried my best not to get jealous. The calls continued to come. He started borderline harassment with the girls and our congregation leader got nervous. He asked me if we should kick M out. I said no. Again, I believed (and still believe) so much in his potential. But, what I hadn't realized was that I had taken on this attitude that I could save M from himself. From his alcoholism. From his self-destructive behaviors. I really thought that I could.
My friends tried to warn me that he was emotionally manipulating me. I didn't listen. I felt like I was aware of what his problems were, that he was just struggling with alcoholism and that I was aware of my own emotions. I was fine.
Then, one day, he did it again. Only, this was much earlier in the day than usual for him to be wasted. He was half-crying on the phone as he talked to me. He told me he was by the lake. He told me he didn't want me to get hurt. That there were things I didn't know. That he was worried. He apologized a lot. He sounded suicidal. He hung up. I panicked.
I remember laying on the driveway bawling my eyes out because I didn't know what to do or how I could help him. Thankfully, my good friend A (one who had been warning me about M's manipulations) had decided to drop by. He found me laying on the driveway in tears. I told him everything. I could tell he was angry with M, that he didn't believe him, but he knew it meant a lot to me so he took me to the lake. We started looking for him. Not 5 minutes in, I got another call from M.
This time, he was laughing his head off. He told me he was fine. That he was with one of his buddies from the army. I was confused. A little ticked off, but I was also ridiculously relieved. And what's weird, I felt suddenly fine. It was like a 180 from what I had felt on that driveway.
That flip of emotions freaked me out. How could the way a single person felt effect me so much? If he was fine, I was fine. If he was depressed, I was depressed. Co-dependency at its worse. But also, manipulation. I realized that I had felt exactly what he wanted me to. He had called me freaking out and sounding depressed, and I had felt fear and concern for him. He called back to say he was fine, and I felt fine. I shudder when I realized how scary that was. I don't even know if he was aware of it, to be honest. But it was a wake up call. My friend A was gently like, "I told you." But to his credit, he was very understanding. He didn't fly off the handle or get angry with me or M. He was just like, well, that's we've all been saying.
I knew then, that I had to cut things off. I had to stop talking to M. But I panicked. If I wasn't there to answer his calls when he was drunk, to tell him it was okay, he could do better, who would? Who would encourage him and build him up? Who would help him feel the love the Savior?
I remember crying and telling all of this to my Dad. My dad looked at me very seriously and said, "K____, you can't save him. You never could. Only Jesus can."
Boom. It was like my eyes were suddenly open. I had been trying to save M all on my own. I was trying to be the hero. But I can't. We can't. I do think sometimes He uses us or allows us to help others come to Him and strengthens us to do so, but when we start thinking we can save someone on our own, that's when it becomes difficult.
The only person who saves is Christ. He is the Redeemer. The only one with true healing and redemptive power. No matter what, on our own, we can't save people. We can't even save ourselves. But HE can. So we trust Him. We listen to Him. And when we no longer have the strength or capacity to serve or help those around us, we can release our hold and let Him. He'll take over. In fact, He's never stopped trying.
